Don't stop Dreaming

Once in a while we are given moments in which if we reached we could touch the stars but most us fail to recognize these moments. Most of us dream without participating. I like so many others am riddled with guilt over those moments in which I cowered in the fear of rejection instead of reaching for the impossible.  Even now as I write I find myself doubting that these words could ever fall into any of the hands that I dream that they could fall but instead of silencing myself, this time I will continue to write. As a child I truly believed the cliché that anything was possible. I believed I would be a famous fashion designer. I believed I would have some sort of a singing career. I believed I would be an author. I believed with childlike innocence that I could and would do anything with my life that I wanted to do. But with each passing day a little of my faith in myself began to slip away. I don’t even know how it started it wasn’t like I woke up one day and believed that I was no longer capable of these things. It was just that as life continued and I wasn’t doing anything to make these dreams come to fruition. And with each day gone it felt a little bit harder to see these dream. I stopped believing that these grandiose imaginings were even possible any more.

I have a degree in fashion, a degree I have never figured out how to use. I have designed artistic clothing since childhood. In high school sometimes as I lay in bed at night my mind would race piecing together different designs. This caused a sort of euphoria that made me unable to sleep so I would get out of bed and design and sew all night until my creation was complete and then I would wear the masterpiece to school the next day.

I love to sing. When I sing, (like how you sing in the shower or the car and no one is listening), I feel a connection to my soul deeper than I feel at any other moment.  Yet I find myself hardly singing any more. I tried on a band once. It was fun, a blast in fact but they wanted to create such different music than I did and we grew apart.

 Sometimes I write children’s stories. They are cute. I know everyone wants to be a children’s book author. But I actually believe my stories are publishable but instead of making an effort to do that, I have only read them to a few family members.

How does one break out of this rut? How does an average Jane let the world know she is not so average? How do you tell them that I have something great inside of me that is dying to come out? Well that is another interesting point. I am dying. I have stage four breast cancer that will eventually take my life.  So one might say I have nothing left to lose.  So here it goes; a bucket list of sorts. Number one on my list. I want to design an outfit for Lady Gaga, to me, the most influential fashion icon to ever grace the world. I have had many fashion icons, Audrey Hepburn, Cindy Lauper, Sarah Jessica Parker; my amazing sister MaryAnne, but no one has inspired me quite the way that Lady Gaga has. Not that she has been around as long as these others as an influence but the moxie that this woman exudes is beyond inspiring! In a normal star/nobody (me/Lady Gaga) situation I would let my insecurities let me believe that this goal was an impossibility  but Lady Gaga has a way of making everyone feel as if they are worthy of anything and everything that they desire.  To see my artistic creation on Lady Gaga would be the most amazing pinnacle of my professional career.   But I don’t want to stop there. Number two on my list would be to throw myself an actual Fashion show. Not a pretend show in my back yard, No a full on real fashion show w/ my exclusive designs.  I think one day I realized I didn’t have to have an official career to share my designs with the world. An artist doesn’t have to make money with their art to be an artist. Next I want to publish my children’s stories. I don’t really know how this works or where to start but I believe I am good enough to make this happen. I no longer have the desire for a musical career, I feel too tired to actually pursue this but as part of my bucket list I simply want to sing more. I want to share this very important part of my life with my daughter and just feel the peace that music gives me.

I guess that more than anything else, more than all of the things on this bucket list of sorts is to share my child like belief that anything is possible. I want my daughter to know that even though it is hard, the most difficult thing she will ever do infact, her dreams are possible. And to all of my family, my friends, my girls, my peeps, my fellow cancer survivors, your dreams are possible. It might not be some grandiose dream of touching the stars but whatever it is, if you believe, but more importantly if you work hard, your dreams are possible.  They are valid, they are beautiful, and they are as real as you make them. Your dreams are possible.